Saturday, April 21, 2012

First Week to Work

Well... it's done - my first work week - and it took it's toll... but overall, I think it was okay.

I'm simply surprised at how much different every movement is... the way I get in the car, out of the car, shift in my seat, leaning forward, bending over... every motion carries with it a different awareness of my body. My energy just runs out - like hits zero with the SPLAT of a gravitational pull that forces a water balloon to the ground. Just... SPLAT! I'm done... unfortunately, that's usually around 3:00pm!!

My clients were very understanding. I explained to them briefly what my condition/procedure was and explained that I don't have any control over the sounds my body makes... at times they may hear my tummy gurgling or passing gas through the bag... we'll just chuckle and keep talking. It happened twice but it wasn't too disruptive.

Emotions were washing over me on the kids off to their Dad's and kinda just let down. Tears visited me again after almost 5 days of no crying - just the awareness of my new reality. It's no fun....and I'm trying to focus on the positive, what IS working, what IS good.. so here it is:

When I feel limited... I realize that it's just compared to what I used to do. I can't run and exercise yet, but I can move, walk, drive, talk, laugh, etc.

I realize that I'm struggling with my own body... I struggle with the fact that it FUNCTIONS NORMALLY but that other people are aware of that! I'm learning to be grateful for a glorious body that does what it was made to do.'s going to make sounds involuntarily... but I'm learning to view that as evidence that my body is working FOR me. It works hard for me, all day, every day and doesn't really complain all that much! I am learning to accept the GIFT that this body is to me... it lets me move about, laugh, love and be engaged with the world around me.

I'm learning to appreciate the food my body needs and how it uses that food to fuel the above mentioned gift of functioning. I see how it utilizes what food I provide it and seeing that as evidence of good health and vitality.

On an interpersonal level, when I feel sad, I try to focus on what my emotions are trying to teach me. What am I learning about my fears, my insecurities, my struggles with my WANTS versus REALITY? Am I learning to submit with grace and dignity, am I coming to terms with acceptance? Am I trusting that this is really okay? When people let me down, disappointment creeps in according to what I THOUGHT might happen, when I'd hoped for more from others... am I coming to terms with those feelings? Some days, I feel better on these factors than others... but overall, this is what I'm working toward: a greater degree of love of self and acceptance of my own struggles, trials and limitations. I try to extend that same grace and mercy to those around me as well and realize that ultimately... this is my lonely lesson...


  1. I don't know Shan. You might not be able to tell how many people are reading your words and how they are being impacted but you are an example of faith, courage and strength to me. I admire your optimism when it is so easy to dwell on the things that are beyond our control. Even if you have a breakdown here and then, you are still stronger than a lot of us would be. Love ya gilr!

    1. Thanks, Luisa...I appreciate your loving words. Love ya back, sweet friend!!